Ships and Canons
by Liett
Summary: Sail on whatever ship you want. Just remember that there is always someone out there ready to take you out with a canon. Especially in the Hetalia fandom... those are the worst. Join some of the Hetalia pairings in a small adventure that explains exactly why shipping can be so violent. Based on a video by opperationpecan.


**(A/n) Yay, Liett got off his ass and wrote stuff!**

 **Seriously, though, I've really been looking forward to writing this.**

 **This story is another fic based on a video by opperationpecan! This time, I've adapted the über hilarious "Ships and Canons."**

 **IMPORTANT: Keep in mind, NOT EVERY SHIP IS INCLUDED. I only used the pairings in the video. They ALL get made fun of, so don't be upset if your OTP wasn't included. And PLEASE no shipping wars in the reviews. I don't even ship some of these. If you try to start a war, you'll get an angry PM from me, and most likely a block. Additionally, I don't want to see, "OOOH ENGLAND SHIPS THIS AND THIS OH-EM-GEEEE!" If you're going to review, try to make it an ACTUAL review. Got it? Good.**

 **Enjoy, but BE WARNED! MATURE CONTENT AHEAD! I may change the rating to M if I need to.**

 **I'll link to the video on my profile. Original, hilarious idea belongs to opperationpecan!**

* * *

Our world is full of lakes, oceans, and seas, vast as the eye can see, and beyond. Each is different, with its own name, shape, and location. And each is a home for the well known buoyant structures called "ships."

In most waters, the ships leave one another alone. Occasionally, there is small conflict, but it is quite uncommon. These seas are calm and quiet, and each ship is respectful of its counterparts.

However, you may find one sea in which this is not the case.

This sea started out quite small, but has grown to be one of the largest, and holds more ships than most others. These ships are rather violent towards one another, not at all hesitant to use any canons they may harbour.

And sometimes... the passengers get a bit carried away.

USUK

Miniature waves rippled in the otherwise flat sea as a lone ship pitched back and forth like it was being assaulted by an invisible group of killer whales.

The real reason for this, of course, was the pair of blondes trying to tear the wheel from one another's hands.

"Why the hell do you get to steer?!" England snapped, violently rotating the wheel towards himself.

"Duh, I'm the hero!" America replied at a yell, ripping the wheel back with just as much force.

He then proceeded to list off all the reasons why be was the hero at the top of his lungs, while England tried to drown him out with loud exclamations of why America was, in fact, not the hero.

Exasperated, they let go, turned their backs on each other, and stormed off to opposite sides of the ship.

GerIta

"Germany? Can I steer, please?"

Germany, strong hands firmly gripping the ship's wheel, turned slightly to glare at the Italian behind him. "No," he said, voice dismissive, and turned back to steering.

"Come on," Italy protested, "I have a really good navy! I won't kill us."

The blonde loosed an annoyed growl, snapping his head around to glare at the brunette more fiercely. "No!"

Italy slumped against the side of the ship with a pout. Every once in a while, he'd give a pitiful whimper like a hungry puppy.

Thoroughly irritated, but fully aware there was only one way to shut the Italian up, Germany sighed and stepped back slightly. "Okay," he muttered. "Fine."

Italy bounced to his feet, all cheerfulness fully restored. "Yay!"

Once he arrived at the wheel, Germany allowed him to take two of the spokes in his hands before stepping up behind him and placing his own hands on top, intending to guide the absent-minded man in steering.

Italy chose that moment to lean his head back against Germany's chest, blink up at him with big, innocent brown eyes, and say:

"I really like this position."

AusHun

The ship was about to sail.

"Are we all set?" Hungary called, directing the question behind her.

"Yes!" Austria called from across the deck, where he was making sure the ship was ready.

"Sails strapped down?"

"Check!"

"Crew ready?"

"Check!"

Satisfied, Hungary nodded and turned back to the wheel.

"Okay! Now let's go get you some booty."

SuFin

Finland blinked, confused, at the deck in front of him.

It looked like the deck of any normal ship, but the wheel was turning on its own, steering the ship without any outside help.

"I don't get it," Finland said, turning to the tall Swede behind him. "Is it automatic?"

Sweden gave a silent nod.

Upon returning his gaze to the "automatic" wheel, the Finn gasped as realization hit him.

"Oh! I get it! The ship sails itself!"

Spamano

"This is great, isn't it, Romano?"

Spain, ever his cheerful self, had his eyes fixed forward as he turned the ship's wheel. He received no response from the irritable Italian behind him, though he supposed Romano was just preoccupied with something.

The Spaniard winced as the ship hit turbulent water and lurched violently to the left. Luckily, he was able to regain his footing.

"Wow, that was close," he remarked, directing the statement at Romano once again. "We almost went overboard! Are you alright, Romano?"

The same silence answered him.

"Romano?"

Spain finally had the bright idea to turn around and look to see why Roma wasn't responding.

He received that answer immediately.

Roma was not on the ship.

Panicked, Spain dashed over to the rail, where he found Romano floundering in the water upon peeking over the side.

"I'm coming, Romano!" he called.

Gripping the rail, Spain threw himself overboard.

RoChu

"Are you cold?"

The reply was exactly what Russia expected.

"No, aru."

Sighing, Russia turned, taking in the shivering Chinese man, whose arms were wrapped around himself.

"I think you are lying," Russia informed him. He stepped up to China, stripped off his brown coat, and wrapped it around China's shoulders.

Returning to the wheel, Russia flipped the end of his scarf over his shoulder and gripped the spokes.

"All better."

DenNor

At the wheel, Norway was trying his absolute hardest to stay focused and keep the ship on course.

However, he was quickly realizing how hard that was to do with a big, dumb Dane hanging on him like an extra article of clothing.

Desperate, Norway let out a small huff. "Denmark, do you know how you can really prove your love for me?"

Denmark grinned, his grip relentless as ever. "How?"

"By jumping off the ship."

The messy-haired blonde paused to give the Norwegian a puzzled look. "I don't think that's such a good idea, Norge."

Norway waved him off. "No, trust me, it'll work."

Denmark paused, shrugged, stepped back, and launched himself overboard.

Not a moment later, Norway's head appeared over the side of the ship, smirking at the Dane. "Wow. I can't believe you actually did it."

PruCan

The wooden dock was, for the most part, clear, and England was tired of sitting around. Deciding a walk was in order, he stood, hauled America up with him, and set off.

Needless to say, his companion was not pleased at having been yanked to his feet and dragged along against his will.

"Dude..." America muttered, not needing to finish the thought.

"We've been sitting around all day, America. I thought we- oh my god." The Briton halted suddenly, sticking an arm out to stop the oblivious taller blonde next to him. "Do you see what I see?"

His green eyes were narrowed in the direction of the only ship in the dock.

"What?" America inquired, looking around in confusion.

England pointed.

Blue eyes shot open wide. "Is that Mattie sucking Gil's dick?!"

From where they stood, they could just see the blonde kneeling in front of the albino, face in his crotch, and...

England grit his teeth. "I do not approve." He turned to America. "Ready the canons."

XxXxXxXxX

Soon, the canons were set up and ready to be fired.

They were aimed at the pair on the ship, who were still... going at it.

"Do you have a clear shot?" England asked.

America raised an eyebrow. "Duh, of course I do, are you doubting me?"

The Briton raised his hands defensively. "No, I was just checking."

"Okay, whatever," America said. Without warning, he threw a fist in the air, shouted, "FOR CANAME!" and fired, sending both Prussia and Canada to the deck.

England paused. "Wait, 'CanAme'? What about us?"

The American blinked at him. "Uh, I don't ship us. I ship you and France."

As if responding to a cue, said Frenchman skipped over and took a seat between them.

"What do you mean you don't ship us?" England was still yelling.

"I ship me and Canada!" America protested. "I ship you two."

"You can't ship me!" England snapped, completely oblivious to France's arrival.

"You guys are like my parents!" America cried, using his hands to gesture at England and France.

"But I think we're better together!"

Soon, as France joined in, the debate grew into a an argument of such epic proportions that people were beginning to stare. The three angry voices carried down the dock, eventually reaching the ship in question. Its two passengers were instantly alert.

"What?" Canada panted, sitting up and wiping his mouth with his sleeve.

Prussia pointed to the dock. "I see your family," he said. "I think they're firing at us."

A look of horror crossed the Canadian's features. "We don't have any canons!"

Zipping up his pants, Prussia desperately considered their options. "Uh... do you have a phone?"

"Yeah..."

"Okay, log onto tumblr."

"Now's not the time, Gil!"

"No, I'm serious!" Prussia replied, grinning. "Get the fangirl army!"

"Oh!" Canada hastily pulled his phone out.

In the meantime, England, France and America were still yelling about who was better with whom, completely oblivious to the large group of squealing female teenagers closing in.

XxXxXxXxX

Sail on whatever ship you want. Just remember that there is always someone out there ready to take you out with a canon.


End file.
